i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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