Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
