We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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