I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
