Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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