How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
