Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
