all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
