We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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