I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i think my cat just said my name.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
