just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
