Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize