just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
