there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
