Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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