I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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