ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
