I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
