My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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