Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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