The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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