my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
