It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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