Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
