sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
