Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize