my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
