Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
