look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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