mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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