when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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