I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
