$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
