apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize