Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
