I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
