addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
