You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
