would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
