I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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