i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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