That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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