she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
