im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
