Don't make out with my wife yet
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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