I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
