I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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