He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
