im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Houston, we have a blender
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
