so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
