Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
