Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
