Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
