Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
