ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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