Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
