this beer tastes like vomit already
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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