she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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