Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
