i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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