dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
