How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
