3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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