The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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