i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
