Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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