I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
