I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I smell like Dick and happiness
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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