Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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