Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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